Earlier this year I discovered that my husband had been unfaithful to me several times over the past three years. I was devastated. Everything I thought I knew was turned upside down. I asked him to stay with a friend while I sorted things out. I wanted things to remain as normal as possible for the kids until I could figure out what to do. My first reaction was to begin the process of separation. But God had bigger plans.

I received several emails from him that weekend. He was so broken and God was really working in Him. He was genuinely sorry and wanted nothing more than to work things out with me. I told him that I would be able to forgive him, but that I couldn’t promise we would stay together. I felt so betrayed. I didn’t even know him.

I let him come home on Monday because all of his work equipment and files were here (he works from home). I promised nothing. But when he walked in the door, I saw a different man. This was not the man I knew. This man was so broken and yet so committed to the Lord. I had never seen that in Him.

God began to work on my heart that day as well. He said that He would be with me through the pain, through the hard work, through the tough days and I just needed to trust Him. So, I walked in obedience to Christ and committed to stay in the marriage and work things out.

We immediately met with a counselor. A month later, he attended a 3-day work shop about sexual integrity. Again, after that encounter, I saw a man who was changed even more. I saw a man truly repentant for his past. This man was not just sorry for what he had done, he hated his sin and he loved the Lord. Every single word and action since that day has shown his true heart. He has been so transparent and so filled with God’s love. The frustration and bitterness that plagued our daily lives was now gone. The distance that had existed between us for years was now replaced with a closeness we had never experienced.

It is very early for us and I still have days where I am emotionally exhausted. I have been through grief, depression, joy and laughter all within the same hour.

I am learning so much about the pain my husband has held inside for so many years, pain that has had nothing to do with me. It is not an excuse, but I am starting to understand his hurt and his desire to medicate it with affirmation and approval. And He has learned so much about himself. It’s like his eyes have been opened. This is what I had prayed for for so long, this is just now how I thought it would happen.

And God is teaching me so much about myself. I have cried out with so many questions and He ALWAYS answers. He has restored my love for my husband when I thought I had nothing left to give. He has given me so much grace and mercy when my Flesh could not and would not forgive. He reminds me that I am far from perfect when I try to elevate myself as the “faithful” one. He reminds me that our past does not define who we are. He tells me that I am His precious daughter and that my husband is His precious son. He has taught me how to minister to my husband and he has taught me to be open to allowing my husband to minister to me.

Sometimes the pain is overwhelming, but then again, so is the love. We are both growing and learning. God is refining us and building our characters. God is healing us from our pain and delivering us from our pasts. God is using this to allow each of us to develop a closer relationship with him. And He is using this to bring us to a level of closeness in our marriage that we have never experienced. Things will never be the same, but they can be better and stronger.

Through this, he has held a mirror up to our lives and we didn’t like what we saw. And through that mirror, He is now changing our reflections to look more like Him every day.

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